why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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