I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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