So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
