She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
