Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
