I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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