Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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