My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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