Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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