Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
