My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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