Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Randomize
