took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
