Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
