Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
