His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
