he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Is it because I queefed?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
