I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
