We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
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They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
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I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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