My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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