and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
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Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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