I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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