I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
