I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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