Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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