if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
