I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize