Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
