I look better un-naked...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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