A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
