drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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