What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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