I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
