so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
