Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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