he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
