I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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