i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
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We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
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She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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