Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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