i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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