I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
