i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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