Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i would punch a child for taco bell
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
