she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
