and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
