i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I want her autograph on my taint
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
