Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize