Banned from zoo.
Again?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
