Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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