Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
