my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
