just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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