totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
