Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
