I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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