Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
