Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it's not cheating when I paid for it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
