I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
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No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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