Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
