look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
